I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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