I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.