dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened