Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
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we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
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Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............