its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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