he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
