his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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