Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
