i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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