Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
