Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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