Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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