Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Porn is love you can see.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
