if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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