i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
