If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
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