he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
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Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
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i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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