I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
