I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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