my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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