Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
