if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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