I think I died a long time ago.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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