Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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