like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
