Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
