do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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