worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
