Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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