i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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