I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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