I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize