Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Randomize
