im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
