Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
