Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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