what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
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