my phone needs a breathalizer
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I thought spray tan was a myth
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.