I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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