So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
