I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
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I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
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Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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