I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
