the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
