i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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