I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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