Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
