The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
