did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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