If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
