I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
