you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
When are your genitals available?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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