my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
