you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
