Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
