Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
